'SUGAR TITS' by jack johnson

This week Alan Sugar swaggered back onto our screens to interview another rabble of grotesque nutters for “a chance of a lifetime’’. Yes, that’s right, The Apprentice has returned well before its due date – Sir Alan must have some old Amstrad computer’s he wants to shift.

Seeing a chance to cash in on the reasonably successful franchise in which 15 fully-grown adults abuse, ridicule and repeatedly bitch-slap each other for a chance to make Alan Sugar’s tea on a semi-regular basis, the BBC have decided to make a children’s version. How nice. I mean, that’s exactly the kind of thing we want to be teaching the children of the future – how to be a prize knob. No surprises for guessing that the Junior Apprentice offers all the same thuggary and tears you’d come to expect from the adult one, it certainly hasn’t become cordial all of a sudden.

The age of the contestants is supposed to be 16 or 17, but to look at them you wouldn’t be so sure. One bloke could easily pass as being in his early thirties….he’s got a full beard for fucks sake! If he announces at the end of the series that he’s got a wife and kids back home in Lancashire, I for one wouldn’t be that surprised. As for the rest of the 'boys', well, they probably need a note from their mum to get in to see a PG. To them, puberty is just something they've studied at school.

Since Sugar’s surprise peerage last year all the children now have to refer to him as “Lord Sugar”, which makes him sound more like a feared street pimp than a member of the House of Lords. In the weeks running up to the start of the show Sir Sugar Lord had described how he felt that helping young entrepreneurs or “the future of this country’’ - as he put it - was something he wanted to do. Well, if by ‘helping young entrepreneurs’ he meant turning innocent school children into hard-faced, back-stabbing capitalists before they’ve even found out what life’s all about – then yes Alan, you’ve made a good start.


Watch out for baby-faced Rhys Rosser - I think he’s going to do well. Either he’s going to win and Alan Sugar is going to love him, or he’s going to kiss a girl for the first time. We're supporting Rhys!